


Just Here Existing With You

by atinycrashingsun



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Caring Partner, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, F/F, LGBTQ Character, Mental Breakdown, Real and Raw, Recovery, Violent out burst, anger issues, low self-worth issues, relapse of toxic behaviour, soft, tug on your heart strings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:08:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29102274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atinycrashingsun/pseuds/atinycrashingsun
Summary: Toni lashes out at Shelby for the first time in a long time. It isn’t good.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 20
Kudos: 254





	Just Here Existing With You

**Author's Note:**

> Hello loves! Hope you all are doing well.  
> Fun fact: This idea came to me when I was cleaning my kitchen haha.  
> I don’t really know what to do with this work so please comment and tell me what you think and if you would like more!

Shelby’s POV

Shelby had no idea what it was going to be like after she opened the door to their apartment.

Toni hadn’t blown up like that in over a year.

They decided that after senior year they would move to California like Dot and Fatin. Somewhere far away from Shelby’s parents and somewhere still warm. God knows she wouldn’t be moving to Minnesota. She loved Toni and Martha very much but she was not going to give her life to drive in the Minnesota winters.

Now turning the key and unlocking the door, she took a deep breath before opening it.

She thought about not coming back that morning. She probably should’ve given it a day or let Toni text her first, but she was worried.

It was a lot.

_Toni was sitting there on the couch, just like any other day when she got home from her afternoon class. Shelby could feel something was wrong as soon as she walked into their living room and the next thing she knew Toni was asking her,_

_“Why are you still even here?”_

_And the look Toni gave her, it made her heart sink. Of course Shelby proceeded to tell her that she was with her because she loved her and she made her happy, but then Toni started going on about how it’s been over two years and Shelby would soon come to realize that her life would be so much better with out her._

_“Toni, where is this coming from?” Shelby asked._

_“I’m just stating the obvious Shelbs.” Toni shrugged._

_“You’re wrong.” Shelby breathed._

_That’s when Toni laughed and stood up from then couch. “No Shelby, I’m not. Look at you. Going to university, becoming a lawyer, at the top of your fucking class. You’re thriving. You have people throwing themselves at you left and right and you come home to what, me? And what am I doing Shelby? Fucking nothing because I don’t know what I’m supposed to fucking do with my life. I never thought I would even graduate high school. I’m embarrassing.”_

_Toni was yelling at that point. Shelby hurt all over standing there, seeing the strongest person she knew lose to herself again. She tried to interject but Toni wouldn’t have any of it. She just kept going on about how much of a fuck up she was and how Shelby shouldn’t be with her._

_It was too much._

_The dormant rage was a shock to her system. Hearing Toni scream. Seeing the tears running down her face. She tried to reach out but Toni just smacked her hand away._

_“I’m going to go.” Is all Shelby could manage. “I need some air. I’ll be back later.”_

_As she walked out the door the last thing she heard was Toni screaming, “Yeah, of course you fucking go!”_

Now walking out of the entry way and stepping into the living room, Shelby gasped.

It was a mess.

Picture frames were off the wall, along with the stuff on the shelves. The coffee and dinning tables where flipped. Chairs with broken legs...

And glass. So much glass.

It was everywhere on the floor, along with the beer that was slowly drying up that came with it. Toni must’ve gotten drunk after Shelby left and lost it for real.

As she took in her surroundings she saw Toni, curled up in a little ball against the couch on the floor. She walked carefully toward her, glass crunching under her feet and crouched down to her girlfriend.

“Toni,” Shelby gently shook her shoulder and Toni grumbled in response.

Shelby looked her over. She was in rough shape. Her hair was a mess, there was vomit on her clothes and beside her, and she reeked of alcohol. She looked down to her bare feet and saw dried blood on her right foot.

Shelby quietly went to their bedroom, which had seemed to miss Hurricane Toni, and grabbed a pair of slippers to cover Toni’s feet.

“Come on babe,” Shelby said. She slid the slippers on her feet and then grabbed Toni’s arm, putting it over her shoulder. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

With her other hand she grabbed Toni’s waste as she hoisted her up to stand. Toni groaned at the sudden movement and leaned heavily into Shelby as she dragged her to the bathroom.

Shelby knocked down the toilet seat and sat Toni on it. “There we are.” She whispered.

Shelby began to run a bath for Toni, making sure the water was hot the way she liked it. She looked over to see Toni leaning forward on herself, palms pressed into her eyes.

“I’ll be right back. I’m going to grab you some clean clothes.” Shelby quickly rushed into their room and dug around in some drawers for some fresh underwear, along with a pair shorts, sports bra and a t-shirt. She grabbed some shoes as well. She placed them on the counter by the sink before kneeling down to Toni.

“Alright love, lets get you in the tub.” She spoke softly as she helped Toni get undressed and step into the tub.

Once in, Toni huddled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. Shelby turned the water off and then sat down next to the tub.

Toni didn’t say a word. She was staring at the tile wall, resting her chin on her knees. She was somewhere far away in her head. Shelby knew that stare all to well, though she hadn’t seen it in awhile.

Shelby brought up her hand and ran her fingers through Toni’s long, brown hair, undoing the curly knots as she went. She then grabbed the body wash, put some in her hand and began rubbing Toni’s back, soaping up her arms as she went.

“Here, babe.” She said. Toni didn’t respond so she cupped her cheek with one of her hands and turned Toni’s face to meet her own. Tears were streaming down Toni’s cheeks. Shelby tried for a smile and gestured to the bar of soap in her other hand. “You should give that foot a scrub.”

Toni just blinked at her, coming back from wherever she had been.

“You stepped on some glass T, so give it a scrub with some soap.” And Shelby pointed to Toni’s right foot.

Toni took the soap. She looked at the bottom of her foot and began to scrub the dried blood away and clean her cut. Once she was done she handed the soap back to Shelby.

“Lie back babe, we got to wash your hair.” Toni just looked at her.

“Come on love,” Shelby tried. “Please.”

Toni obliged and laid her head back into the water. Shelby ran her fingers through her hair and grabbed the shampoo. She squirted some into her hand and then rubbed it into Toni’s hair, massaging and scratching Toni’s scalp the way she knew she liked.

She rinsed Toni’s hair and put some conditioner in, and then they just sat there in silence.

Shelby rubbed Toni’s back soothingly, periodically combing fingers through her wet hair as Toni continued to stare straight ahead.

After awhile Shelby spoke, “Time to get out love, you’re going to turn into a prune.” She reached over and pulled the plug, letting the water drain.

Then she got up, grabbed a towel and handed it to Toni. “I’ll let you dry off and get dressed.”

She quietly closed the door behind her and and pulled out her phone, “Hey Fatin, I need some help.”

* * *

  
Toni’s POV

“Fatin is going to chill with you for the rest of the day.” Shelby announced after Toni finally spoke for the first time that day, asking where they were going.

“Huh,” Toni snorted. “Called the babysitter did ya?” She knew that Shelby was dropping her off to spend time with Fatin so she could clean up their apartment.

“Toni,” Shelby sighed. They didn’t say anything for the rest of the drive to Dot and Fatin’s.

When they pulled up to the apartment and Shelby dropped Toni off, Fatin was outside waiting. “Hey babe,” she said to Toni. “I’m taking you out for a bit, where do you want to go?”

“I don’t give a fuck Fatin, where ever you want.” Toni grumbled as they got into her car.

“Okay nice to see you too,” Fatin blew her a kiss and Toni rolled her eyes. “But I’m gonna cut the bullshit. Tell me what happened.”

Toni didn’t respond and just looked out the window.

“Better you tell me first and get it out of your system before you talk to the shrink that Shelby is most definitely booking you an appointment with.”

Toni groaned and shuffled lower in her seat.

“Well come on, you didn’t think you were gonna get a free pass on that did you?” Fatin chucked. “So, why’d you blow up? I haven’t seen aggro Toni in a long time.”

Toni huffed. “I don’t know, I just-it just got too much.”

“What got too much?” Fatin looked over at her.

“Everything.” Toni said, her eyes still looking out the window.

“Everything...in your head, right?” Fatin tried.

Toni finally looked over at her and shrugged.

“Toni I know you,” Fatin started. “And I know you wouldn’t blow up like that and scream in Shelby’s face for no reason.”

Toni flinched at that. Her mind slowly wandering back to the fight she started yesterday. The voice in her head just wouldn’t shut up. It was being too loud and she was sick of it, so she let it out in the worst way possible, she took it out on Shelby. Something she hadn’t done in a long time.

“You’re right,” Toni whispered. “The voice in my head became too much for me and I lost my cool.”

“I think you did a little bit more then lose your cool T.” Fatin said matter of factly.

Toni sighed. “I fucked up Fatin. I keep fucking up and I don’t understand why she still chooses to stay.”

Fatin looked at her like Toni had just turned purple or something. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

Toni shrugged again.

“Dude,” Fatin shook her head and turned back to watch the road. “When are you going to get it through your thick, fucking skull that that women loves you more then anything else on this earth.”

“People lie, Fatin.” Toni said. “People lie and people leave.”

“Yeah well, not Shelby.” Fatin looked in the review mirror and brushed some hairs to frame her face. “I seriously don’t know what else she has to do to prove it to you man. She came out to her parents, and left them mind you, for you. She battled to come to terms with who she was and fought an internalized battle with her identity and religion because she couldn’t deny the fact that she wanted you. She could’ve left you behind, along with everyone else on that island and go back to playing pretend, but she didn’t. Not to mention, she did save your life, even when you were being a stubborn ass about it. She moved here to live with you. She chose you Toni. What else do you want from her?”

Toni shuttered as she let out a breath. Fatin was right. “I guess I’ve just gone so long with people not staying around you know. Always preparing for them to leave. So I keep thinking she’s gonna go too. It’s always happened eventually.”

“Toni,” Fatin looked at her. “Even I’m still here. And I’m not going anywhere, along with the rest of the girls. So if I’m still around, you are definitely bearable.”

Toni chuckled at that. “Yeah, yeah Fatin. Whatever.”

“I’m serious though, I think you should get back into seeing a therapist regularly for a bit. Clearly some of the shit is resurfacing, so I think you should take care of it.”

Toni nodded at that. She could feel herself slipping back into her old state and she needed some help to get a grip again. She’d been trying it to ignore it for months. It had gone good for them in California for awhile. She decided to take a gap year and work because she didn’t know what she wanted to do. She was happy for a bit. It was just her and Shelby, (and she lived near some of her closest friends which was a plus), but seeing Shelby do so well for herself made Toni feel...insignificant. It felt like she was holding her back. And she just couldn’t help ignoring the fact that girls and guys were always taking interest in Shelby when they went out. It made her jealousy boil and she hated it. She hated blowing up like that. Sure, it felt good in the moment, but the feeling of coming down after that rage high was crushing. Especially when she knew she lashed out at people she cared about.

“So I’m kinda just driving around here aimlessly, but can we please go to the mall! I haven’t gone shopping with someone in awhile and my inner teenage girl is screaming for a mall trip!” Fatin put on her pout and puppy eyes just to send it home.

Toni rolled her eyes and sighed. “Fine.” And at that, Fatin squealed happily.

  
* * *

Dot’s POV

“Holy shit, Shelby.” Dot blinked, taken back by the apartment’s state. She drove over to Toni and Shelby’s place after her morning shift when Shelby had called explaining that Toni had lost it. She had trashed their apartment in her state of rage and Shelby needed help cleaning it up.

“I know it’s bad Dottie,” Shelby sighed. “But can we please just focus on making it good and getting it cleaned up by this evening?”

“Yeah,” Dot said, giving Shelby a small, reassuring smile. “Sure thing.”

And so they went to work. The first order of business was cleaning up the glass. Dot and Shelby swept up as much as they could, cleaning up Toni’s vomit and any beer still on the floor. Dot vacuumed while Shelby went around fixing everything up as best as she could. She started making a list of things that they had to replace like: picture frames, chairs and their living room lamp.

There seemed to be no damage to the building it’s self, which was a relief. They wouldn’t have to pay their landlord any money for repairs. They made sure to wash the floors so there were no stains, and sprayed the rungs with some Resolve.

Toni mostly trashed the living room and kitchen, and thank God Toni managed to not go after the TV that was mounted on the wall.

The hallway that lead to the bedroom and bathroom was untouched, along with the rooms. Dot helped Shelby flip the coffee and dinning tables back up right after giving the rugs a good shake and vacuum. Shelby put stuff back on the shelves. She was able to save the plants that were knocked over. She got them some new soil and watered them. Dot helped wipe down the counters and did the dishes left in the sink.

After they were done cleaning, they went on a replacement trip. Dot and Shelby went to the home hardware store and bought two new chairs for the dinning table, a new lamp for the living room and some picture frames.

Before heading home, Shelby got them to stop at the flower market and bought a small bouquet for the coffee table. Once they were back and they unloaded the chairs from the back of Dot’s truck, set up the new lamp, put the pictures in new frames and hung the ones that needed to be put back up, Shelby texted Fatin to let her know that she could come pick up Toni.

Four and a half hours later, they were done. Shelby gave Dot a hug and whispered, “Thank you.” Over and over again.

“It wasn’t a problem Shelby. Glad I could help.” Dot gave Shelby’s head a kiss.

They both walked out of the apartment and went to their vehicles.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Shelby said, opening her car door.

“Definitely.” Dot replied with a smile and then hopped in her truck.

  
* * *

Toni’s POV

When Shelby pulled up to Dot and Fatin’s place, Toni was just hugging Fatin goodbye and then made her way over to the car.

“Hey baby,” Shelby said as Toni got in the passenger seat. “You have a good time with Fatin?”

“Yeah.” Toni said. Shelby reached out her hand and Toni took it. Shelby brought Toni’s hand to her lips and kissed it.

They sat in silence for the drive back. Toni brought Shelby’s hand into her lap, her thumb stroking softly along Shelby’s knuckles.

Toni would be lying if she said she wasn’t nervous stepping back into the apartment. She felt guilty, and embarrassed.

Shelby must’ve sensed how tense Toni was when she unlocked and opened the door. She put an arm around Toni’s waist and leaned in to press a kiss on her forehead. “It’s okay babe.” Shelby said and gently nudged her forward in the door.

It wasn’t the same place it was when they left it this morning. It was all cleaned up and as it was before Toni trashed it. Toni noticed Shelby even got some flowers for the coffee table.

Shelby turned on the living room lamp (a new one) and made her way to the kitchen. “What do you want to eat babe?”

“It’s fine Shelbs, you don’t-“ Toni stared, but Shelby waved her hand to cut her off.

“I’m cooking tonight and that’s that, so what do you want?”

Normally, Toni would’ve probably argued playfully about what to eat, but she was tired. And she could see that Shelby was really tired. So she replied with, “Spaghetti.”

Shelby nodded and smiled at her. She got the pot out and boiled the water. Toni went and grabbed the noodles, handing them to Shelby.

Shelby proceeded to cook some ground pork and heated up the sauce. Toni was shit in the kitchen. She liked helping Shelby cook, but on her own she was pretty helpless.

They grabbed their bowls and sat down at the table. (On new chairs, Toni noticed that too).

After they started eating Toni put down her fork and started, “Shelby I’m-“

“No need to apologize Toni.” Shelby said as spun her noddles around her fork. “I’m not going to beat you up about it. Knowing you, you’re probably doing a really good job of that yourself.”

Toni nodded but kept her eyes down, unable to meet Shelby’s.

Shelby reached across the table for Toni’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “I’m not mad at you T. Not even a little bit. I know when you get like that it’s because your brain gets clouded and you get stuck on the same thing over, and over again. I know it’s not because of something I did, at least I hope I didn’t do anything and if I did I’m sorry-“

“No,” Toni shook her head. “It wasn’t you. Don’t think for a minute it was.”

Shelby smiled. “I know you didn’t mean to get mad at me love. We all have times when we lose it.”

“Yeah,” Toni laughed. “Not like me Shelby. I don’t think most people have a temper tantrum, trash their place and then have their girlfriend literally clean up after them like they are four fucking years old.”

“Maybe not,” Shelby was rubbing circles on the back of Toni’s hand. “But that’s us. And I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

Toni looked at Shelby then, eyes watering. “You deserve better.” She croaked.

Shelby shook her head and wiped the tears from Toni’s cheeks. “You and me, this is what we do. We look after each other and pick up each other’s pieces. I would have never survived on that island if it wasn’t for you. I was shattered, waiting for someone to help put me back together and I found you.” Shelby’s eyes were starting to water now. “God knows you and me aren’t perfect. Yes, I’m doing a lot better then I was, but that is because of you Toni. You helped me except who I am and taught me to not be ashamed of that. You are my better half. You make me a better person and push me to do better in my life. You asked me why I’m still here? The reason’s pretty simple actually, why I haven’t left. It’s because I can’t and don’t want to exist without you.”

Toni started sobbing then. Shelby moved her chair closer and brought Toni close, wrapping her arms around her small frame. Toni buried her face in Shelby’s neck. “I’m sorry.” She repeated over and over again.

“Shhh,” Shelby cooed and ran her fingers through Toni’s hair. “It’s okay love. You’re okay. I’m okay. We are going to be fine. Just take some deep breaths.”

Toni’s gasping slowly turned back into regular breaths. Shelby sat there rubbing her back until Toni stopped crying and sat up to wipe her face.

“You want to put this food away for tomorrow and call it an early night?” Shelby asked and Toni nodded ‘yes’.

“Alright,” Shelby said as she got up, grabbing their dishes and giving Toni a quick kiss. “Head on and get yourself cleaned up. I’ll meet you in bed.”

Toni went to the bathroom and washed her face and brushed her teeth. She stripped off her clothes, tied her hair up and crawled into bed. It was only around six o’clock, but she was tired.

After Shelby put away the food and readied herself for bed, she walked into their room and took off her clothes. They usually slept bare. They enjoyed cuddling close and the skin to skin contact.

Shelby crawled in next to Toni and turned the bedroom TV on, searching through the channels. She put on some reality show and turned the volume on low.

“Can you come here.” Toni said softly.

Shelby looked at her and smiled. “Of course love.”

Shelby huddled close to Toni, placing her head on her chest and wrapping her arm across, resting her hand by the crook of Toni’s neck, soothingly rubbing her thumb up and down.

Toni hummed in response to that. She brought her arms around Shelby’s waste, pulling her closer to her and Shelby adjusted, throwing her leg over Toni.

“I booked you a therapy appointment for tomorrow afternoon.” Shelby whispered. “I made sure to get that girl you like.”

Toni nodded into Shelby’s hair. “Thanks babe. I appreciate that.”

“Of course.” Shelby turned her head to meet Toni’s lips, closing them in a slow, soft kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” And Toni kissed the top of Shelby’s head.

“And when I say that, I mean I love all of you, even the hard parts.” Shelby’s voice was heavy with sleep.

Toni smiled and looked down at the sleepy girl in her arms. “I know you do, you’re amazing for it and I’m grateful.”

“Mmhm.” Is all she heard from Shelby, followed by little huffs, telling Toni that she was asleep.

“I don’t want to exist without you either.” Toni whispered before her breaths started syncing with Shelby’s and she fell into sleep.


End file.
